Hellblazer The Feudal Shuffle
by Hellblazer85
Summary: Meet John Constantine: Conman, Trickster, Mangus. He's not the niceest bloke you ever met but he does his best. What happeneds when the greates Mangus of our time gets thrown into Fuedal Japan? All hell breaks loose, thats what. xover with Hellblazer
1. Into the Setting Sun

Disclaimer: Congratulations you have the honor of reading my first fanfiction. I hereby state that I own neither Inuyasha nor John Constantine: Hellblazer. Hellblazer belongs to Vertigo Comics and Inuyasha is owned by Rumiko Takahashi.

Hellblazer: the Feudal Shuffle

Chapter 1: Into the Setting Sun.

This story begins where all good stories begin… in a pub.

Here we find the reluctant hero… or to be more accurate anti-hero of our story. He is the owner of many names including mage, trickster, con-job, bastard, and John Constantine.

At the moment, it is roughly 4:30 in the morning, the place is a small pub in London, and John is staring at the last bit of his last round of Guiness for the night and is currently taking a long drag of his cigarette. So now you know the who, the when, the where, and the what. So the only remaining question is why, why do we find John here killing his liver and giving himself lung cancer (again…)? The answer is simple: John had a good day.

It had been a very good day by John's standards. Up and out of bed by the crack of noon, the restaurant he went to get his breakfast/lunch served decent Tea and there were no hairs in his eggie in a basket. John proceeded to wander over to the racetrack, and found a new bookie that hadn't heard of him to take his bet, (sucker).

Upon winning enough quid to take care of the rent, smokes, alcohol, and food for the next 4 months, he decided to do his daily rounds of information gathering. He checked in on all his contacts, both human and non-human alike, after wondering about for 2 and half hours, they only thing that he managed to do was break in his new shoes.

For some reason the spiritual world was silent today.

At least as silent as the spiritual world got, since the spiritual world is never silent, especially with those blokes down in hell.

There were a few ghost hauntings in Brixton, a Virgin Mary statue with bleeding eyes at a St. Paul's Cathedral, a lower class demon making the usual trouble in Westminster, all around nothing of particular interest, and nothing that involved him or his mates.

No, cults trying to bring about Armageddon, no demons possessing young children and shooting up their classmates, no serial killers out to kill his sister and niece, hell even the old bog god (a.k.a. Swamp Thing) had taken a break from fighting his sodding vegetable wars, or whatever the fuck he does all day. It seemed that john had gotten the day off.

So John got himself a whole box of silk cuts, supper, and then proceeded to spend the next six hours getting pissed drunk. Now, the question you are undoubtedly asking yourself is why that after a wonderful day such as this, one would decide to get sloshed? You see one thing John had figured out over his 50 years of existence is that he can best be described as a universal crash test dummy. This could be because he had pissed the guys upstairs and downstairs one to many times, or it could be because he was a Constantine and trouble just naturally found him. Either way, he was not buying that the powers at be were just in a civil mood today.

The only reason he could think of is that somebody was planning something, and he just knew it would be aimed square at his bollocks. But the worst part about this whole mess was that he didn't have the foggiest idea what it is; much less do a damn thing about it.

This is simply the calm before the fuckin' hurricane.' John thought, as he exhaled the smoke from his lungs, he just knew it.

So, what does one do when you're about to be nailed by the sniper known as the world? Head down to the local pub and wait for him to rear his ugly face, and if your fucked, well then you die a little happier with a few pints of alcohol in your system. Trouble was that now it is closing time and nothing has fucking happened yet!

"Bloody hell." Said John as he took his last swig of guiness and took a long drag of his ciggie.

"Oi, blonde!" John eyed the bartender who had just yelling at him. "dya hear the music!"

John looked upwards at the speakers embedded in the ceiling; the music in question was "Bugger Off" by The Dubliners.

John looked back at the bartender. "Take the songs bloody advice, pay your tab and piss- off." The bartender sneered.

John smirked, "alright squire, but I need to use your phone to call me a cab."

The bartender gave john a look of 'are you quite serious?' and said, "you tell'n me the there is actually a bastard on this planet that doesn't have a mobile phone?"

"What can I say mate, I'm one of those old pricks who don't change with the times easily. Besides, who needs one, when there is a there's nice blokes like yourself who have 'em, and are so willing to help the underprivileged." John replied.

The bartender snorted, reached behind the bar and pulled out a phone and dropped it in front of John.

"Cheers," said John, as john began dialing.

"Humph, just make sure you pay your tab or I'll beat your trench-coated ass from here to Japan," said the bartender.

John pulled some bills from this trench coat pocket, placed it on the bar, and traced something on the bills, murmuring to himself while the phone was ringing.

"'ello?" said a man on the other end of the line.

"'lo Chas, its John, need a lift," said John yawning.

"Fuck John, I'm at the end of my shift, if I'm not back by the time the misses wakes up she'll eat my head off," wined Chas.

"Shite Chas, I just need a ride home, we're not going to sodding Japan. 'Sides, were mates, you give me lifts, I save you from bitch mothers, and demon gangsters, if you recall, and don't forget the time…"

"Oh, bloody well fine then, enough, I pick you up, where you at?" interrupted Chas.

"That's a good mate, I'm at that new pub, whatiscalled, the Winchester, off Old Kent Rd." replied John.

"Right, fine, lucky for you on that road, be there in a minute," he hangs up.

John hangs up, hands the phone back to the bartender, and stands up. "right then, see ya round squire."

John turns to leave only to have his arm jerked back rather harshly. John glared at the bartender who glarded back, then looked at John's hand. Which held the money.

John smirked and held out the money. "Sorry 'bout that squire."

The bartender sneered, and wrenched the money from his hands and walk back to the cash register.

John walked to the door but before he opened it he turn and said, "Oi, one more thing squire."

The bartender looked at john. "What!"

John grinned evilly, "just wanted to comment on the excellent treatment I have received tonight."

He then gave the man the bird, "Up Yours!" and snapped the fingers on his other hand.

The money, which the bartender was still holding, instantly went up in flames.

"Shite!" The bartender quickly dropped the money. Unfortunately it landed in the cash registrars open drawer, and proceeded to ignite the other money on fire.

"FUCK! BALLS!" he screamed as the desperately tried to smother the flame.

Meanwhile, John was strolling outside with a satisfied smile on his face, as he listen to the bartender continue to scream every curse word known to man.

It was then that Chas pulled up in his cab. John hoped in the back of the cab, and smirked at his old mate.

Instantly a worried look was plastered to Chas's face, and he looked out his window and listened to the cursing that emanated from the bar.

"Bloody 'ell John what did you do now?" asked a worried Chas.

John gave Chas the most innocent look he could and said, "why nothing at all dear Chas, just teaching the new tender how to treat his patrons with some respect."

It was at this time that the doors of the bar flung open, and the bartender comes running out with rage in his eyes and a rather large looking crow bar in his hand.

"Uhh… Chas, would you mind taking care of this?" asked John.

"Me? Sod you, this is your mess you take care of it," yelled Chas.

Sadly, the fates would not be on Chas side tonight, as the bartender slams the crowbar into the side of his cab.

"Oi! Me cab!" Chas jumped out and threw the bartender away. The bartender quickly recovered and charged Chas with a mighty swing of his crowbar. Chas simply ducked down, grabbing the bartender by the armpits and used his momentum to pull him forwards and down, executing a perfect reverse German suplex into the hard concrete.

The bartender was out cold.

Chas got to his feet, glared at the bartender, and began rubbing his back. "Bugger, I'm to old for this bollocks."

'Clap, Clap, Clap.'

Chas turned to see John standing outside the door of the cab applauding him. "Capitol show as always Chas, in yer 50s and still kicking arse."

Chas grabbed John by the caller and exclaimed, "Yea well you remember that when I ask whose gonna pay for the damage to me cab!"

"Oi! Watch the shirt!" John yelled. "The insurance companies of course! It was a bleeding hit and run!"

Chas quirked an eyebrow, "how so?"

John smirked, "he hit, you hit, and now we run."

Chas did not look convinced.

"Fer Christ's sake Chas, don't worry 'bout yer bloody cab, just say some prick hit it and ran off!" John sighed. "They can't prove a thing and besides it's technically true. Cause this bloke, I guarantee, is no long here mentally."

Chas sighed and released John's caller. "Fine but if this flops I'm coming to you with the bill."

They both got back in the cab and drove off.

Inuyasha stuff…

Time: unknown (night time)

Year: 15?

Place: somewhere in Japan.

John Constantine was pissed.

"SON OF A BITCH!" John bellowed as he wailed on a tree with a rather thick downed branch.

"That little prick! He finally did it! He finally out smarted me!" the branch he was using to attack the unfortunate tree finally snapped in half and John collapsed to his knees and slammed his fist into the tree.

'This is stupid, this ranting is getting me nowhere,' thought John as he turned around and sat up against the tree.

"I need a smoke," John said to himself.

John reached into his deep trench coat pocket and pulled out a carton of cigarettes. 'Thank God for small favors,' thought John, in regards to buying a full carton of smokes earlier.

John as he pulled out a ciggie, lit it, and took a deep drag.

As he let the nicotine set in and exhaled, he went over in his mind how he arrived at the predicament he was currently in.

(Flashback)

John and Chas had driven up Old Kent Rd, across the London Bridge, and were at the intersection with Fleet Street.

The light was green so Chas continued through.

Suddenly, a bright light could be seen coming from the side of the cab, and a loud horn blared.

"Fuck'n Shit" yelled Chas as he turned the wheel and slammed on the brakes to try and avoid the on coming truck. Though it was already to late.

John closed his eyes, 'so was this it? After everything I've seen, after everything I've done: cheating lung cancer twice, orchestrating the fall of an angel, taking on the First of the Fallen (the lord of hell) and beating his sorry arse multiple times, and countless of things. I'm I going to be taken out by some fucking prat who doesn't no what a red light means?'

"_Ironic is it not, Johnny boy?" _a voice laughed.

John opened his eyes to find the owner of the voice, in turn discovering that the truck had not hit.

He looked to out the window to see that the truck was not moving. It was just sitting there about centimeter away from the passenger side door. The headlights where still shining in his face.

Also, upon further inspection, the cab was no longer moving either.

"Oi! Chas you alright there mate?" No response.

Chas's arm was covering his eyes, his other hand on the wheel, and his foot pressed firmly on the brake.

"Chas, s'alright nobody was hit, that prick truck driver stopped in time." John said as he reached over and shook his friend.

Chas didn't budge. He was a statue. Frozen.

It was then John noticed something else. There was not a sound to be heard.

No brakes squealing, no engine sounds, not sirens, no one running to help, not even the sound of wind. It was like some one hit the mute button on the world.

John was beginning to get concerned he looked outside to see his suspicions confirmed. People were frozen mid step, there was a dog doing its business on a fire hydrant with its piss frozen in mid air. There were a flock of pidgins in the air overhead, yet they were not flapping their wings or moving anywhere.

Fuck the mute button, someone had hit the pause button.

The world had stopped.

"Bloody hell, someone's yanken me chain again," said Constantine.

"_Oh, come now John, is anyway to talk to your savoir?" _John new that voice.

He looked to the seat next to him to find the owner of the voice. And just as he suspected, there was the First of the Fallen grinning there smugly at him.

The First of the Fallen. The Original Evil. The First Demon. It was said that when Lucifer fell from grace to hell, the First was already there to great him. This was the creature the in sighted fear and terror into the archangels, and all things living and dead.

In truth, he even scarred John. But would John let him know that?

Not bloody likely.

John lit up a silk cut, inhaled, and proceeded to blow smoke into the devil's face.

"Wot d'you want." John sneered.

"_Defiant to the end eh, John?" _smirked the First. "_Very well then, straight to business. You see, currently I am the only thing keeping your sorry arse alive."_

"Bollocks, you have no reason to do that, we both know how badly you want me dead, so I can be put through your little house of pain. So stop fuckin about." John replied.

"_True, however, an opportunity has presented itself, that I just had to capitalize on." _The First replied smugly.

"s'at so…" said John impatiently.

"_Indeed, you see I believe that even the worst I can give you in hell will not make up for all trouble you have caused me during your pathetic mortal life. So, I discovered a way to have some fun with you. Im going to play a little game with you and the result is watching you effectively go through two hells."_ Said the First, a huge grin plastered on his face.

"_However," _the First frowned. "_Since nothing like this has ever been done before, I sadly must resort to giving you the choice: die here and be taken to hell, or live and play my game so I have the pleasure of seeing you go through two hells. _

"Shite, tough decision," John replied sarcastically. "Especially considering you're your whole scheme is a load of Bollocks," retorted John. "Who do you think you're trying to con? If I were dead I'd be have a cupa tea with Death, ya know, that optimistic Gothic chick? Not the reject conscience of God."

"_Ha! Ha! Ha! Good show John, can't get anything passed you." _Laughed the First.

"Har bloody har har, how bout we skip the bullshite, and you piss off so I can go home and get me beauty sleep," replied an annoyed John.

"Ah, but fortunately for me I have an alternative method for ensuring your compliance in my little venture, would you please consider Mr. Chandler behind the wheel over here." The first nodded towards Chas, still a frozen statue.

"wot about 'im?" ask john suspiciously.

"Well, while it is true that you will make it out of this little accident I rig up. The same cannot be said for your partner in crime here." Said the First, still grinning.

"How do I know that your not pull'n this out of your ass?" John sneered.

"Oh, come now John, look at the vehicle about to hit him." The First pointed to the truck. "It doesn't take a genius to figure this out. The truck is moving at roughly 100 KPH, and it is directed right at the driver's side doorway. Shame, they just don't make these cabbies like they used to, eh? That truck will rip through the front of this cab like it was tin foil." The First joyfully replied, relishing in the thought of the sheer destruction.

"His family will have to have a closed casket, because they wont be able to find all the pieces of him." The First laughed.

John had had enough.

"FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE PRICK!" John screamed as he grabbed the First by his tux collar and pulled him towards his face. "So, I suppose that you can make this all go away so long as I cooperate, is'at right!"

"You catch on quick," smiled the First. "Do watch the shirt."

"And what sort of guarantees do I have that you will fulfill your end of the bargain, eh?"

John sneered. Still holding the First's collar.

"Why my word of honor of course. Mind the shirt." said the First.

"Ha! Your word!" snorted John, tightening his grip on the First's collar. "You'll forgive me if I don't trust the word of the being who is known as the Lord of Lies."

The First frowned. "Understand this John, by you agreeing to the terms of this little game, it is the same as a contract. You clearly proved earlier that you still know the rules, I cannot go back on my contract, else I suffer myself in my own hell. AND HANDS OF THE SODDING SHIRT!" The First yanked John's hands off his collar.

John sighed. Fuck, he cornered me. If it were anyone else I'd say fuck'im. ButChas…

Chas didn't deserve to get mixed up in this. Shit, the only reason he was still alive is because he had the sense to keep away from my little magic fixes. He's my oldest mate. As much as it goes against the bastard in me, I have to take this one for Chas, he was always there for me, guess its time I replayed him.

'Sides, Chas will owe me big time for this.

But first things first, I'm not going to walk into this blindly. I want to know exactly what he has planned.

"Fine you got yourself a deal, but first I want to know exactly what this little plan of yours consists of?" John said. "wot, you planning on killing me putting me through hell, resurrecting me and doing it again?"

The First smiled. "Oh no of course not John. After all, the only one capable of restoring the dead is the Lord of Hosts and his bastard son."

"No, what I have planned is more of… a study abroad program if you will." The first grinned. "Do not worry, you will not die anytime soon… or perhaps you will. The fact is that how long you live is precisely up to you."

John took out another cigarette. "Still waiting on this plan of yours"

"Patients John. First you need a shot history lesson," replied the First in a professor like manor. "Contrary to popular belief there was a time when demons roamed the earth freely. Then the Lord of Hosts put and end to that with the Great Flood. However, after the Lord of Hosts sent his son to earth, we thought it only fair that we should have a presence on earth as well. However, since his son stayed in a central area, our emissaries were required to do so as well. They ended up in the area that is now known as Japan."

"Hmph." John snorted. "Why'd they want to hag about with the Japs?"

"It wasn't about the people, it was about location. The Lord of Hosts' son was securing an empire in the west. So naturally we went for the east." The First continued. "In any case, it worked wonderfully, the Japanese, continually conquered the surrounding areas, and our influence was great. If you have ever read any history behind the Japanese you'd understand. They were a ruthless, warrior people, who believed in race supremacy, if their warriors lost a fight they would committee suicide themselves, homosexuality became practically the norm, hell, until the Portuguese came they had never even heard of the true God. It was not until the modernization of Japan that our forces were forced to begin moving back to our realm. They did not even completely leave until after your World War II."

"Surprised the man upstairs didn't wipe out a few of their cities like he did with Sodom and Gomorrah." Remarked John.

"_But he did, haven't you ever heard of Hiroshima and Nagasaki?"_ replied the First. "_In any event, These Demons became shall we say… domesticated… after years of living and breeding on earth. After a while, many forgot why they were there in the first place. They simply considered themselves as the top of the food chain, spreading chaos across the region."_

"Heh, always figured you were a bit lax in the management area." John smirked.

"_Didn't bother me, as long as my minions continue to produce results. But do try to stay on topic John; this is where you need to pay attention. The time is roughly 500 years ago; this is when domesticated demon rule was at its peak. During this time there was one particular demon that stood out from the rest. He was a particularly cruel and evil demon, and the best part was that he was once human. He spent his time searching for the fragments of a sacred Jewel that had the power to grant a wish to its keeper_. _This Jewel was known as the Shikon no Tama or the Jewel of the Four Souls." _

"_This is where you come in John, your job in all of this is too acquire this jewel. If you can, you need to merely wish your way back to the here and now and you will be released from the contract. However, should you fail and die, you will be given into my care for the rest of eternity." _The First said with a particularly evil grin.

John looked at the First for a moment, and took a puff of his silk cut. "So, if I understand you correctly, your going to send me on a little history tour of the Japanese dark ages, so I can retrieve some stupid Jewel. Is'at all? Here I thought you'd be throwing me into a pit of flesh eating zombies, not giving me a bloody quest that sounds like something out of a video game. I'll be back before supper time tomorrow."

The First smirked. _"Ah Constantine, leave it to you to over simplify things. I chose this little quest for you because it will be your biggest challenge. What with demons around every corner, a language barrier, the fact that the Jewel is in several pieces, and because the demon that currently possesses most of it is… well lets just say you to have a lot in common, especial when it comes to your tactics."_

John simply signed and shook his head. "heh, sounds like every other Tuesday to me."

"_Enough! Explanations are over, its time to get this show on the road." _Announced the First, as he waved his hand and cab and everything around it disappeared.

John, who had been sitting on the cab's seat, fell ungracefully on his bum. "Oww!" He stood, but when he tried to walk he discovered he couldn't move. That's when a large pentagram appeared at John's feet with him in the center. It then glowed bright red and began to rotate counter clock-wise.

_"Oh, and one last thing Constantine." _John saw the First appear in front of him. _"As I said the contract will void when you return, and Mr Chandler, like we discussed is part of that contract, and thus should you succeed and return…" _The First smiled. _"Chas, will die!"_

"YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" John bellowed.

"_Ha! Ha!" _Laughed the First, the pentagram was spinning widely by now. A small tornado was forming within it. _"Finally I shall be rid of my most hated advisary. Enjoy the Warring States area of Japan Constantine. Live long, fuck over many, and then be good enough to die!" _

"I SWEAR, I'LL BE BACK FOR YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT! I'LL B…" and then everything went black.

(End Flashback)

Which brings us back to the here and now.

John had just regained conciseness to find himself sprawled out on the ground, in between a tree and the bank of a streme. It was then that John felt it necessary to take his frustrations that had been building inside of him since the First arrived, out on the tree next to him. Now that he had the time to think things over, and got some nicotine into his system he felt much better.

"Right then, to business." John thought out loud. Sitting around here playing with me dick wont help matters, thought John. First things first, need to find civilization. He got up and looked around. Sodding lovely, not a town in sight. Cloudy night, so I can't even tell what directions I'm going. Not that it would do me any good since I don't have a bloody map to go by.

Well, guess its time to let synchronicity do it thing. John cleared his mind, and then he simply let his body run on automatic. And he began walking.

And as he walked, a quote from a book he recalled reading once came to mind: 'At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place… And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may in fact, be the first steps of a journey.'

Heh, a journey. Likely a journey down death row. Aw well, Bollocks to it…

Wagons Ho.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	2. Lost in Translation

Disclaimer: Hellblazer belongs to Vertigo Comics and Inuyasha is owned by Rumiko Takahashi.

Hellblazer: the Feudal Shuffle

Chapter 2: Lost in Translation.

John had been walking for roughly 3 hours. In that time he had figured out a couple of things.

1. This country had WAY TOO MANY FUCKING HILLS!

Seriously, he'd walk up one hill only to see another right in front of him. What's worse, is that these "hills" were quickly reaching small mountain size. It was far too much work for a lazy bastard such as himself.

2. He was heading decidedly east, because he now had the sun blaring obnoxiously in his face.

3. Bates are NOT good hiking shoes. (They're dress shoes.)

This was evident because of the fiery blisters that had formed on the backs of his heels.

4. He could eat ox, and drink a fire hydrant dry.

Considering his last meal consisted of fish and chips, 500 years in the future, he was not surprised. Also, this probably the only time you'll ever hear him say this, so listen up, at this point in time he'd take a bottle of water over sex.

5. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! THERE ARE SO MANY FUCKING HILLS!

John staggered to the top of the biggest hill he had climbed yet, and leaned against a tree. Breathing heavily, he wiped the sweat from his brow and loosened his tie.

This sucked balls.

3 hours and not even a fucking trail. Maybe synchronicity isn't working.

Figures.

Magic has a tendency to not work when you need it most. That wasn't the only problem.

John had been thinking, and he hadn't the foggiest idea as to what he was going to do about his fucked up situation. He had been hurtled into a place where he had zero connections, no money (well at least none that these sods would consider of value), hell no one here would have ever heard of him, so he couldn't even use his reputation to scare someone into giving him what he wants/needs.

He was fucked, good and proper.

"Heh," he laughed at himself, funny old world enit. Here I am, handed something I've always wanted, a fresh start, a clean slate, and all I can think about is getting back to the ruins of my old buggered life. Guess irony still reigns supreme.

Ah well, I'll be damned if I'm going to let that little wanker of a devil get the last laugh, I'll figure something out. But unless I can find civilization, all the planning in the world will do me bugger all.

John looked around and was just about to consider a new direction when he noticed something in the distance over the next hill.

It was a structure of some sorts. It was tall, maybe 40 to 50 meters high, peaking out over the tree line. Looked a bit like one of them guard tower thingies them military blokes use.

John moved to try and get a better look. The tree he had been leaning against was actually quite good for climbing, with many low branches that he could get onto. Under normal circumstances there would be no way he let himself be caught dead climbing up a tree. But these were far from ordinary circumstances, and there was no one in sight, so John swallowed his pride and began ascending. After climbing about 20 meters up, he noticed a little smoke rising from the other side. He also saw what appeared to be part of a lake and several of those rice paddy things

Lake drinking water.

Rice Paddies food.

Smoke fire.

Tower man-made structure.

Put 'em all together Civilization.

John let out a sigh of relief, "synchronicity, I take back all the bad things I ever said about you." With a bit of renewed strength, John climbed down the tree, and began to make his way towards the tower.

John emerged from the tree line and onto a dirt road that headed into the village.

Finally, a bleeding road, thought John. All this bushwhacking bollocks is so… uncivilized.

John began walking up the path. As he did he brushed himself off, fixed his tie, brushed back his hair. Got to make meself look presentable, first impressions and all.

As he approached the village he came upon a little girl in amongst a small clearing next to the road filled with flowers of various colors. She was picking them and then tying the stems together creating a band of flowers.

John walked up behind her. When the shadow cast over the girl she stopped and turned around. John smiled at the girl. "Morning there, love."

"Nani?" the girl responded.

"come again?" John asked cocking his head to the side.

They stared at one another for a moment. Then the girl looked John up and down. Her eyes widened fearfully, she then jumped to her feet and took off towards the village.

"Oi! Wait a bloody minute ya little git." John called after her, but she continued running.

John sighed, 'sodding lovely. Great first contact John, smooth. This is why I fucking hate kids.'

John began walking up the road again. 'Probably telling the whole fucking town how I tried to molest her or something,' thought John.

John entered the village a minute later. It seemed to be a relatively simple layout. To his left were two dozen or so, little huts that seemed to be built in a winding path that led to the side of the small mountain, the village was built off of. There was a town center, which surrounded the lookout tower that he'd spied earlier. From there it led up to a red archway. From what John recalled it had something to do with the Shinto religion. The archway led to a path of stone steps that led halfway up the mountain to what looked like a small shrine. To his right was a medium sized lake with a small dock with a few small almost canoe like boats. Surrounding the lake were several farming fields with a dozen or so workers out attending to them.

All in all, a simple little farming community.

John made his way towards the huts. There seemed to be a small group of people that had formed in the middle of the path at the town center. They noticed him and began looking at him suspiciously, and murmuring to one another in some gibberish that John couldn't understand. In the middle of the pack John spied the young girl, she was speaking to an old man in blue robes with a large cone looking hat, and carrying long staff with a headpiece of a strange designed with several small rings attached to either side.

John ventured to guess that this man was their religious leader, a monk, or a priest perhaps.

The priest eyed John suspiciously and began approaching him. John continued walking until he was about 3 meters from him and then stopped.

John smiled the friendliest smile he could manage, "Top a da morning to ya squire, what's a bloke got to do to get a stiff drink around here, eh?"

The priest considered John a moment looking him over. He then pointed to his staff and exclaimed, "Youkai!"

The group of people had, by this time grown to a small crowed, suddenly began shouting, the women were rushing themselves and the children back into their homes, and the men were getting swords, pitchforks, and other weapons.

John didn't have the foggiest clue as to what 'youkai' meant, but whatever it was, he was sure it was defiantly NOT a compliment.

"Easy there squire I don't want any trouble," John pleaded as the priest moved closer. The crowed had by now formed a circle around him leaving John no escape.

"Mesiel, Youkai!" The priest yelled as he threw three small pieces of paper at him.

The papers stuck to John's forehead and he face faulted. 'What the bloody hell were these?' Thought John as he removed the papers and examined them.

They had some Japanese symbols on them but otherwise seemed pretty normal. John did however, feel a small bit of magical presence to the papers.

'They're seals,' he realized. Remembering seeing a few in his time attached to containers that held magical items.

'Fuck, they must thing I'm some sort of demon or some such nonsense.'

John looked at the Priest and gave him an annoyed look. "Oi, listen here you prat, I'm no demon, ya hear. Me No Youkai!"

The priest gave John a puzzled look. Whether it be from wondering why his seals had not worked or what he was saying he couldn't tell, probably both.

The priest then motioned to someone behind John. John spun around in time to see another villager take a swing at him with a hoe. John ducked the swing, and proceeded to deliver a solid punch to the man's face. The man sprawled to the ground and the other villagers who had been inching closer backed off a few steps.

"BACK THE FUCK OFF!" John yelled at the other villagers. They all looked puzzled but John's yelling had giving them the reason to take another step back.

"Grrr," John growled in frustration. 'What we have here is a failure to communicate.' Thought John. 'If I can't start a dialog with these primitive screw heads its gonna be the fuckin Salem Witch Trials all over again.'

Then, an idea popped its way into his head. John sighed, he really didn't what to start using magic this early in the game, but these little fuckers weren't leaving him much choice.

John walked straight up to the man who had tried to pummel him with the hoe. He eyed the crowed with a look that said anyone who fucked with him would get the same treatment. The man was still on the ground clasping his jaw with one hand. John proceeded to yanked the hoe from his hand, then give his fallen attacker a kick in the side for good measure. John moved back to the center of the circle of people. He then took out a small pocketknife he carried and sliced his palm with it, allowing blood to pool in it. John then took the stick end of the hoe and smothered the end of it with his blood. He then proceeded to draw a pentagram on the ground with the hoe.

'Ah, the benefits of magic.' John thought. He hadn't used this particular spell in sometime. It was essentially a universal translator. Funny part is that all humans have it, locked away inside their genetic memory. It was the mechanism that once allowed all humans to speak the same language. Then man decided to band together to try and make a stairway to heaven. Needless to say, the man upstairs did not appreciate us getting that smart, so he decided to set evolution back a couple steps and shut off this particular gene. Suddenly, everyone spoke a different language, and humans being the sheep that they are ran back to their respective herds loosing hundreds of years of advancement.

Luckily, a few Mages of the time had had the intelligence to figure a spell, which flipped the switch back to 'on' for a period of time.

John sat down. Discarding the hoe, he began to murmur a small chant. As he did this he drew small arcane symbols on each of the points of the pentagram.

And once he had written the symbols at all 5 points of the pentagram, he stopped chanting and proclaimed, "Sino meus auris visum, quoque sino meus vox intempestivus!"

The pentagram around him glowed briefly and then disappeared. John listen, and slowly he began to understand what was being said around him. "What is the devil doing?" "He's casting a spell to kill us all!" "Do not be fooled by his human like appearance, he is a vile demon!" "He must be, no human would dress like that." "Its skin is so pale." "He might be a dragon demon, do you not smell the smoke the secretes from him?" "Kill the beast!"

Needless to say, not the best ice breaker.

"Oi! Just whom do you think your calling a demon, ya draft wankers!" John yelled at the crowd.

The priest looked at John and narrowed his eyes. "So, you have decided to stop speaking nonsense, have you demon!"

"Sorry, forgot to turn my translator on, and I'm no bloody demon." John replied as he rose to his feet.

"Silence! Vile fiend, you will not pollute our ears with your lies! This sacred village is protected by the great Water Goddess, we shall have her deal with you," the priest declared.

John really didn't like where this was going.

"Now wait one damn…oof!" John was suddenly hit on the back of the head with a large staff. He fell to his knees, grasping his head in pain.

"Seize the demon, bind him, and we shall take him to the lake where we shall offer it to the Water Goddess as a sacrifice!" commanded the priest.

A group of about ten men converged on John. John desperately tried to fight back only to receive further blows to the rest of his body. They bounded his hands with rope, dragged him to his feet and forced him to walk towards the lake.

'Wonderful John,' he thought, 'hasn't even been 4 hours since I arrived in this time and I've already got people wanting me dead. Must be the Constantine charm.'

John tried pleading with his captors but that only seemed to result in more blows.

John looked ahead to see the priest at the waters edge with his hands extended, calling out to the water. "Goddess of the Lake, come forth, we your loyal servants have brought you an invader from the outside, a demon no less! Please reveal yourself to us and rid us of this vile creature!"

Something about this seemed familiar to John, though he couldn't place it. Oddly enough, he got another feeling. Whatever they were doing, it was off somehow.

The short hairs on the back of John's neck stood on end. Magic. The feeling he got was that of daja vu. He defiantly felt this before. Whatever they were calling out wa… Wait, calling out? Like a summoning?

It was a summoning. But what were they summoning, an elemental perhaps? Wait a tick. That's where he's felt this before. He got a similar sensation when he called upon Swamp Thing. But wait, Elementals don't just come out of the woodwork with a few kind words. They need to be called out by use of the proper incantation. This elemental must have a relationship with this village.

"Are you sure about this?" John heard one of the villagers ask the priest. "I mean, the Goddess has become so demanding lately, requiring human sacrifices when ever we ask it of something. She never used to ask for such things before. Each time she appears. Her appetite becomes greater. She's appearing almost every other day now. Even when we do not call upon her. I don't want to loose another child to her." The villager pleaded fearfully.

"I know." Replied the priest. "I am hoping that a demon will give her, her fill for awhile."

Human sacrifices? Elementals don't eat humans. They despise our taste. Most of 'em are too stuck up. They can't be 'lowered' to eating humans.

Something was defiantly wrong.

Suddenly, the waters on the lake began to ripple; the air had the distinct buzz of magic in it. She was arriving. But this was not the feel of an elemental. Felt more like a demon.

Out of the waters, a humanoid shape appeared. It was maybe as large as the lookout tower, and was completely blue. But not an ocean/water blue, more of a dark blue, like someone dumped a bucket of blue paint on the thing.

This was no Elemental. Elementals form their shape out of whatever element their domain consists of. This was a crummy imitation, made out to look like it was made of water. Also, John defiantly felt the aura of a demon, it was attempting to mask the aura, but the demon was doing a piss poor job of it.

John was shoved up onto the dock. They cut his bonds, and shoved him farther out. The villagers pointed their swords and various other pointy objects at him to make sure he didn't try and escape.

"Great Goddess of the Lake, we bring you this demon who has tried to infiltrate our humble village. We offer it to you as a sacrifice." The priest announced loudly, a small hint of fear in his voice.

"_Hmm…" _The Goddess considered John. _"This is no demon that stands before me, just a simple human."_

The priest looked at John and the Goddess bewildered. "But… your holiness, are you sure, I was positive that this was a…"

"_Do not question the Water Goddess!" _she exclaimed.

"Oh course, my apologies! Lady. I am sorry to have bothered you." The priest answered quickly head bowed out of respect and fear.

"_Indeed, and since you have wasted my time,"_ the Goddess smiled, _"I still require a sacrifice, so I shall eat him anyway."_

"But me Lady, if what you say about him is true, then he has done nothing wrong, you should…" The priest was interrupted by the Goddess's growl. _"That is twice you have questioned me mortal! For that you shall become my meal as well."_

The goddess began moving towards John and the priest. The villagers and the priest began running towards the village. John stood his ground.

"_Ah, a fighter. I love it when my prey tries foolishly to fight back." _Laughed the false Elemental.

John reached into his pocket, took out a silk cut, lit it and took a drag. "Why don't we stop with the fucking charade, it's a bloody horrible getup anyhow."

"_YOU DARE SPEAK TO A GODDESS IN SUCH A WAY!" _roared the demon in disguise.

"No, I DARE speak to a fucking little prick demon, who couldn't hid his pathetic aura in hell with the First standing next to him!" retorted John, "Show me your true form!"

"_Heh, a smart one are you? Very well, I shall show you my true form and then I shall eat you and the rest of this pathetic village!"_ laughed the demon, as her Water Goddess suit melted away to reveal what appeared to be a catfish the size of a small ship!

"So, that is what you are? A bloody catfish! Ha! Ha! Ha!" laughed John.

"_You will die slowly for this insult! For I am Ictalaurus, I discovered a way to get free meals of mortal flesh anytime I wish," _the catfish demon gloated. _"I discovered that these pathetic little humans were calling upon a water Elemental for protection. Yet because you stupid humans do not know how to properly summon these creatures, I simply had to keep the elementals from hearing their voices, and then took over its position. An amazing scam wouldn't you say?"_

"Sure, wonderful, capitol job. However, you did make two mistakes." John cockily smiled.

"_Oh, and what's that?" _The demon asked as she moved to about a meter from Constantine about to bite.

"One you decide to pick a fight with John Constantine." John smirked and blew smoke into the fishes face. And secondly, you were wrong in thinking that no human knew how to call forth an Elemental."

"Aq'ye'M'his'zoharzus! Und'neh'immenum! 'Immenum Gies'quis!" John yelled.

All remained quiet.

The fish demon hesitated for a second looking around but observed nothing. _"Heh, nice try human, but muttering gibberish will not call the elemental. Or perhaps you are just trying to buy yourself time."_

"One things true of all magic mate." John said as he puffed on his cigarette. "There's no such thing as an instant response… Oh, and you might want to move."

"_Why is that?" _responded the catfish.

John nodded to something behind the demon. It turned to look. The waves behind the catfish demon had becom an increasingly growing whirlpool that suddenly surged and out sprang a she-giant of water.

"**_Who calls me? And how do you know the language of the Atlantiens?"_ **the great feminine giant boomed.

"I do!" John shouted. "The names Constantine, and as for how I knew to call you, I've had dealings with your lot before. And 'sides in my line of work, knowledge is power."

"**_Why do you call me Mr. Constantine?"_ **The Elemental asked.

"Just thought you might want to know, this wee little fish demon has been masquerading as you, and has been slowly depleting this little villages population!" John explained.

The demon catfish, which had been staring in disbelief, first at John then at the giant Elemental, just decided that it was time for a hasty exit, and began swimming off.

"**_YOU VILE CREATON!" _**The Elemental bellowed. **_"You think you can harm my subjects and get away with it!"_ **The elemental pursued, and reached for the demon. It tried to bite the she-giant's hand but it simply bit through water.

The water elemental then picked up the fish demon with one hand and said, **_"It is time you knew your place, I rule the waters!" _**

She then flung the fish into the side of the mountain where it flopped about causing many trees to come crashing down.

It continued to flop for a few minutes, suffocating to death. Right before it finally died it gurgled, _"Curse you Constantine!"_

"Already am, by a lot worse than you." Said John as he looked around and admired his handy work. "Textbook job old son." John complimented himself. "Still got the touch, even if in a backwards place and time such as this."

'Clap, clap, clap…' John looked toward the village to see the villagers applauding him and cheering.

"Heh, prats." John smiled. "First they what to kill me, now they want to kiss me."

"**_Constantine." _**John turned to see the Elemental approaching him. **_"I am indebted to you. These people, who are under my protection, would have been killed had it not been for you. What can I do for you to repay this debt?"_** Asked the Elemental.

"Hmm…" John considered for a moment. "Why don't we just say you owe me?"

"**_Are you certain?" _**inquired the Water Elemental. John nodded; it would defiantly be to his advantage to have a Water Elemental owe him a favor if he ever got into a tight spot.

An ace up the sleeve if you will. 'Sides, from the thoroughly grateful looks he was receive; he'd venture to say that all his immediate needs were taken care of. "That's fine luv, if I ever need you, I've got your number. Stay in touch."

"**_Very well, I shall take my leave then."_** The elemental retreated back into the water from which it came.

John dropped his nearly burnt out cigarette and crushed it under his foot. As he drew another one, he noticed that the priest was now on his knees, in front of John.

"Oh, Great Mage, please forgive my impertinence, in thinking you were a demon. I had no idea you were an emissary for the Elementals." The priest pleaded.

"Wouldn't go that far, me and the Elementals have had dealings before is all." John explained as he lit his ciggie. "And as for your impertinence… how are you gonna make it up to me?"

The priest stood, though his head was still bowed in respect. "Oh, please Great Mage Constantine, come. You will be the guest of honor in our humble village, whatever you ask of us we shall accommodate you."

John smirked. "Well you can start by telling me where a bloke can get a bloody drink round here. "

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

Author's Note: Thanks to those who have reviewed thus far. I didn't see the point in updating if no one was reading. Well Sorry, still no Inuyasha and gang yet, and it probably wont happen for another chapter or two. Got to get are friend John set up for the meeting.

Please continue to review. Thanks!


End file.
